"Family is a mixed blessing. You're glad to have one, but it's also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit." - Richard Pryor
Ah, the holidays. A time of peace and joy and family bonding...
Maybe in a Norman Rockwell painting! In real life, the holidays are fraught with tension and unhappiness for many people, much of it caused by that self-same "bonding." Although progressives should have it easier this year than in the past few years - now that Bush et al. have been thoroughly discredited among all but the dead-enders, and we find ourselves at the beginning of what promises to be a glorious new progressive era - it can still be rough. Many progressives are brought to the edge of despair trying to convince their parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives of their viewpoints. Others simply hope to get through the day without having their values or activism disrespected or mocked, and are destined to be disappointed at even that modest goal.
So how do you cope? Keep reading...
To start with, recognize the near-universal truth that your ideas tend to be held in lower regard by the people who watched you grow up, and who in some cases diapered you, than by the general population. We expect the opposite to be true - that our families will hold our ideas in higher esteem, just because they happen to know us very well - but it often doesn't work out that way. That’s why many activists, artists and intellectuals throughout history have had to leave home to find an appreciative audience.
I was discussing this topic with a friend who is an observant Christian, and he commented, "Even Jesus had to leave Nazareth to preach!" And guess what? He’s right. Here’s the text, from Matthew 13:
"And when he was come into his own country, he taught them in their synagogue, insomuch that they were astonished, and said, Whence hath this man this wisdom, and these mighty works?
"Is not this the carpenter’s son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joseph, and Simon, and Judas?
"And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things?
"And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.
"And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief."
That passage cracks me up. It also helps me to feel better about my own family’s occasional imperviousness to some of my own fabulous wisdom. Hopefully, it will do the same for you.
If your family is resistant to your values and ideas, my suggestion is not to sweat it. It’s not that they are dumb or that they don’t love you; it’s that those values are not currently a good fit for them, or they are not ready to be persuaded. Give up on your efforts to "hard sell" them, and try instead to influence them by joyful example. I know, I know: it can be very hard to watch loved ones embrace views, or behave in ways, you find inappropriate or even unethical. But what’s your choice? You can’t force them to adopt your views. So follow that ancient wisdom of "live and let live," and save your persuasion for people who are more likely to be convinced.
Also be alert to the possibility that unresolved personal issues between you and your family are muddying your efforts to influence or coexist with them politically. If you already have a contentious relationship with your family, don’t further complicate it by dragging your politics into the mix. (This doesn’t mean you compromise your values; only that you don’t insist others share them. Quietly, but firmly, hold fast to your ideals.) Instead, take the initiative to work to repair the relationships and you may later find that your family has magically become more receptive to your values.
If your family is actively hostile to you, or undermines you, then separate yourself from them and interact with them as little as possible. (I'm talking mainly about your birth family here. If your spouse or partner is hostile to your values, that's a tougher situation that I discuss in The Lifelong Activist. Ditto for your kids.)
Two other points:
- Don't be a sore winner. In other words, be nothing but gracious to those who voted for Bush. Yes, they were gullible, and their vote caused a lot of damage. But unless they're dead-enders, they probably feel ashamed and foolish about that vote. Adding to that shame is not only anti-progressive, it will further alienate them from you and your views. Be a gracious winner and model for them the progressive virtues of compassion, understanding and empathy.
- I want to give a special shout out to my vegetarian and vegan friends, for whom the holidays can be particularly rough. Yes, it stinks to have a carcass sitting in the middle of the celebratory table, especially one prepared with heaping side dishes of environmental and labor abuse. But the above principles still hold. If you can peaceably convince your family to go "birdless," even if only every other year, that's terrific. (Imagine if Americans only ate half as many turkeys each year!) If not, instead of haranging them, spend your time and energy creating some amazing vegan side dishes or desserts.
I hope this helps all Kossacks and other progressives have a happy and peaceful holiday!
Adapted from Hillary Rettig's book The Lifelong Activist: How to Change the World Without Losing Your Way (Lantern Books, 2006). Read SusanG’s review of The Lifelong Activist here and for more excerpts and other info visit www.lifelongactivist.com.