Even for those of us who scorn convention, New Year's is often a time of reflection. Aside from the turning over of the calendar, there is a tendency, after the bustle and glitter of the holidays, and as the world settles into its winter slumber, to pause and take stock of our actions over the past year, and to make plans for the next.
For many of us, however, the ritual can feel painful. Looking back, we see mainly, or only, failure and disappointment: goals that weren't reached, promises (our own or others’) that weren't kept, and relationships that deteriorated. And so, our hopes for the upcoming year are tinged with defeatism, if not despair.
It doesn't have to be that way – and won’t, if you set just one resolution for 2007...
From Hillary Rettig, the author of The Lifelong Activist: How to Change the World Without Losing Your Way (Lantern Books, 2006).
Even for those of us who scorn convention, New Year's is often a time of reflection. Aside from the turning over of the calendar, there is a tendency, after the bustle and glitter of the holidays, and as the world settles into its winter slumber, to pause and take stock of our actions over the past year, and to make plans for the next.
For many of us, however, the ritual can feel painful. Looking back, we see mainly, or only, failure and disappointment: goals that weren't reached, promises (our own or others’) that weren't kept, and relationships that deteriorated. And so, our hopes for the upcoming year are tinged with defeatism, if not despair.
It doesn't have to be that way – and won’t, if you set just one resolution for 2007: to try to act in opposition to your unhealthy habits and, especially, your fears, more often.
Acting in opposition to unhealthy habits and acting in opposition to fear are often the same thing, because we develop many unhealthy habits in response to fear. Someone who comes home from work and sits in front of the television (or Web) all night when, in his heart of hearts, he’d rather be doing something else, is probably motivated at least partly by fear.
Below are some examples of acting in opposition to your habits and fears:
If you have the habit of isolation, get out more often.
If you have the habit of frenetic activity, be quiet and peaceful more often.
If you have the habit of overeating, drinking too much alcohol, or engaging in another unhealthy practice, make healthy choices more often.
If you have the habit of responding with extreme or frequent anger (or sadness or anxiety) to stress or provocation, respond more moderately, or differently, more often.
If you have the habit of passivity, take action more often.
If you have the habit of procrastination, get right to work more often.
If you have the habit of rigidity, be open to new ideas and activities more often.
Note that you don’t have to, and shouldn’t try to, tackle all your unhealthy habits at once: that’s too big a job. Instead, choose one or two to work on and leave the rest for later. Note, also, that the goal is not to act in opposition to the habit all the time, but "more often." "All the time" is an unrealistic, perfectionist goal, whereas "more often" is a reasonable goal you can probably succeed at.
The above formulations - e.g., “If you have the habit of isolation, get out more often.” - may sound trite until you understand that my phrasing:
(a) addresses the fundamental obstacles (our habits) blocking us from our goals; and,
(b) emphasizes the process of growth and change. Most traditional New Year’s resolutions, in contrast, focus on the result (“I want to lose fifteen pounds”) without providing insight into the specific nature of the problem (unhealthy habits) or the change process.
So, how do people change and grow? Slowly and via “baby steps.” Yes, there is the occasional dramatic conversion, but those are relatively rare occurrences and shouldn’t be counted on. (Ironically, however, they are exactly what most people do count on when making traditional New Year’s resolutions, which is why people often fail at those resolutions.)
Most people also grow through positive reinforcement. Ask any adept parent, teacher, coach, or other mentor, and she’ll tell you that the way to effect positive change is through encouragement and praise for any small progress made, since that empowers you to make further progress. She’ll also tell you that criticism, abuse, and negative labels (e.g., “stupid,” “lazy,” “undisciplined”) do nothing to help, and usually set the process back by undermining your self-image and self-confidence.
All of the above implies the following process for meeting your goals in 2007 and beyond:
- Adopt the resolution. Remember it? To try to act in opposition to your unhealthy habits and, especially, your fears, more often. Stick it on your refrigerator, computer monitor, bathroom mirror, wallet and other places you frequently visit, and ponder it regularly, so that it becomes a regular part of your thought processes, and a habit in and of itself.
- Do NOT get perfectionist and obsessive over it. Meaning, do not tell yourself, “Starting immediately, I must catch every instance of my bad habits and substitute better behavior.” That kind of thinking can cause procrastination and blocks.
Instead, be alert for easy opportunities to act against an unhealthy habit and, when you see one, take it. If you see an opportunity that looks too hard, or if you’re stressed or preoccupied with other matters, don’t worry about it - let it go. The goal here is to practice succeeding at overcoming your habits, so it's important not to take on too much.
Also, practice overcoming unhealthy habits in both “important” and “unimportant” areas of your life. If you practice “not procrastinating” on boring but simple and unemotionally-laden tasks such as doing the laundry or taking out the garbage, you are also empowering yourself to “not procrastinate” on important tasks such as your political activism or finishing your novel.
- Get support. Overcoming habits can be difficult, so make sure your family understands your goal and is supportive. If they're not supportive (see #4, below), or even if they are, also try to have at least one or two friends available whom you can call on for support. Also engage appropriate professional help, be it a coach, trainer, therapist, mentor or someone else.
Be sure to consult all of these helpers frequently throughout the change process, and especially when any problems you encounter are still at an early stage and more easily dealt with.
- Expect discomfort. Change can be scary and uncomfortable not just for you, but those around you, which is why many people experience internal and external pressure to stay put. Expect that pressure and, if you experience it, see it as a sign of progress and do your best to keep moving forward, if only slowly. Also remember that backsliding, if it happens, is a common part of the change process. Just keep moving ahead until you're back at your peak.
- Define success liberally by focusing not just on the result but the process. Striving to live a happier, healthier, and more ethical life is, in itself, a success. (Many people give up.) Succeeding at that goal even partially or modestly is also a success. And just thinking seriously about a problem, and maybe journaling about it or discussing it with a friend or expert, is an important positive step.
- Celebrate and reward yourself for all positive steps. Remember that change usually happens in baby steps, and that positive reinforcement is a powerful catalyst. So don’t just celebrate and reward yourself for “important” achievements, do it for all positive steps.
By “celebrate and reward” I mean doing the same things for yourself that a wise and kind parent would do for a child who is learning a new skill. Lots of praise, and maybe a treat or two. Most of us, no matter how old or learned or worldly we are, could use more praise and treats.
- Don’t dwell on your perceived failures. Learn whatever you can from them, make amends to anyone you need to, and move on. But note my use of the word “perceived”: many of us exaggerate the scope and severity of our failures, often while minimizing our successes. That's an unhealthy habit right there! Try instead to maintain an objective view of yourself and your actions.
- Watch yourself improve. If you follow the above steps, positive change is very likely to happen – and will probably happen much more quickly than you might imagine. I have seen people who were blocked for years on an important goal shoot ahead like arrows once they began to address the unhealthy habits and fears that were holding them back.
Have a happy and productive New Year.
lifelongactivist, a.k.a. Hillary Rettig, is the author of The Lifelong Activist: How to Change the World Without Losing Your Way (Lantern Books, 2006). You can read sample chapters of her book on her website, www.lifelongactivist.com/resources .